This last part of the story is a bit of a long one. Its hard to get all my thoughts together when I myself couldn’t comprehend what was happening. So much was happening, my world was shifting and it was moving at velocities that I couldn’t catch up with.
My older brother was repeating the year and had gotten his girlfriend pregnant, they would both be parents soon and they would argue… a lot. My younger brother was in a state of depression that not even I could understand, he was cutting, ran away from home, had stayed in an asylum for months. My mom had my younger sister to care for, my father would come home from working crazy hours to hear my mother bicker with one of us three.
One day we were at Daisy’s house and her mom noticed my brother’s wrist with scars, she told him to stop hurting himself as he walked away. We left the house after some time and my mom yelled at him the whole way home I took it as any other argument since things were bad at home. I put on my head phones blasting Mozart to calm myself down. We got to the house and things began to escalate quickly, my mother went up to his room and started shifting through his things like a tornado, I walked in and began to help her. I knew what she was looking for so I didn’t bother asking, she was looking for a blade something sharp. She had asked my younger brother what was he using and he wouldn’t open his mouth. All we found was an abandoned blade from a pencil sharpener, and she wasn’t buying that’s what he had used. She went back downstairs and yelled for another half an hour, I stayed upstairs in fear that my brother would go back to the asylum.
Soon enough I heard my dad walk in coming home from work, my dad is a calm simple man, I rarely ever heard him yell. That night was one of those rare occasions, he told him to take down his hood off his head and asked what was he using my brother stubborn as he was stayed quiet until my dad started yelling. My dad said he was going to send him back since that’s what he wanted. I kept my ear to the floor to listening to anything that happened, and I cried myself to sleep. The next morning everyone was quiet and my brother was home. I don’t know what happened or what was said I was just happy he was with us. He later on had therapy to help him with his issues, I think my parents handled it as well as they knew how.
They didn’t understand what he was thinking and I don’t think they handled it wrong I had to think to myself what would I do, and that answer would have been the same.
A side from all the tension at home, things weren’t getting better at school, or with Dean. We were all getting ready for what was to come after high school and Dean was still questioning if he would even pass, he wouldn’t. Dean had meant a lot to me but he was getting in the way of himself and I tried helping as much as I could. He just had no self motivation and I was tired of pushing someone who wasn’t going to bother to make an effort. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore ending my relationship with him. He was heart broken and the more he pressed on to stay with him, the more I realized he truly loved me.
I felt like I was dying, I couldn’t eat, I could barely get up, I didn’t know what to do. Dean had a friend…Jess who was helping me get through it all, he was my shoulder to cry on. He was the friend I went to when I was deciding to break up with Dean, he told me we had been together for years and that we made a cute couple to try and make an effort. I told him cute didn’t solve the problems and that I just couldn’t anymore. When me and Dean split Jess had made a quick move I told him I couldn’t it was too soon and it would break Dean. I was with Jess for maybe two days, and I think I got with him because I felt like I needed someone. Jess in those two days approached Dean telling him I was with him. Right after I found out I told Jess I couldn’t, that I still had feelings for Dean. He agreed to call off our very short relationship because he had feelings for my brothers baby’s mom. (I don’t know the whole story behind that)
Me and Dean were still talking after the break up and I had approached him to tell him I was wrong and that I still wanted to be with him. I decided to make this confession at the very end of the hallway were I would learn about karma. Right as I am about to tell Dean, I see a girl…Haley and she goes running into Deans arms. He had moved on thinking I had. My stomach was in knots and my head was as dizzy as a drunken man’s. I got the sour feeling that Josh had felt on that very same hallway. After that me and Dean argued a lot to the point of not talking at all. My best friend Teresa had told me he told her that he didn’t know what to do about Haley that she had mental issues and he was scared of leaving her, he was scared she’d commit suicide.
I don’t remember how it started but I ended up in a bad love triangle between me, Dean, and Haley. It was a lot of talking then arguing, then talking, and arguing some more.
I had signed up for Mariachi and made Dean sign up with me when we were together, we both played the trumpet together and we were the only trumpet players in the group. He stopped showing up until one day, he came late. I was so furious I told him if he wasn’t going to come to just tell me that way I didn’t get my hopes up that I would actually play together with somebody. He told me that he was with Haley and that he no longer wanted to drag me around. I burst into tears feeling it hard to breathe, he packed his trumpet and walked out the room, the instructor tried to ask where was he going but he could already tell what happened. Dean had walked out and that was the last time I would talk to him for a while.
Mariachi saved my life, I started failing class and I had lost hope, I let a boy get to me. My mom would yell at me in disappointment, I had to retake classes I had failed in night school. Mariachi was an after school program so I wouldn’t get home till seven, which was perfectly fine with me, I didn’t want to go home and get yelled at for my grades or get asked a million questions as to what happened with Dean. I had fallen in love with music again, it was my sanctuary once more. The sound of the violins, guitars, and my trumpet harmonizing as one numbed my pain and put me at peace.
After some time Jess had texted me to check on me, he would stay for band practice when I stayed for mariachi so I would see him often. We became close friends and soon enough we fell for each other this time without the haziness of our own issues, but Jess was already in bad terms with my brother and parents, since he had a past with my brothers baby’s mom. He asked me every day to be with him, and constantly flirt with me. There was too much bad blood with him and my family that it could never be.
He had charm I’ll give him that, and he walked around with such confidence with everything he’d say and do. The day I gave into him is the day I knew I was digging my own grave. I was on my way to the lunch room to meet up with my friend…Dave. I was walking by the lockers when a hand pulled me back pushing me against a locker, suddenly I was face to face with Jess and his other arm was blocking my only way of escape. I tried not to make eye contact with him because his eyes were hypnotic, it was as if he was staring into your soul and my heart would melt with his look. He moved his face closer to mine and told me how he regretted not meeting me first, to avoid all the bad blood with my brother and parents so that we could have just a chance at a normal relationship. Then he asked me again with those big brown eyes to be with him and I fell into it. I told him our relationship would have an expiration date, because we just have too much going against us.
He looked at me with a smile and asked if I’m serious, and leans in to kiss me. My relationship with Jess was something else. We were a ticking bomb and I think that’s why we didn’t spend much time arguing, we tried making every moment last as long as we could. He was a music major and so was I, we both liked a lot of the same things. He had an incredible smile, a dorky lovable smile that would make everything feel right. My parents would late find out that we were together because someone would tell my brother they saw us together and then he would go and tell my parents. So we kept it a secret even at school. I would lie to my parents and tell them I was at friends house when I was really with him. We didn’t have any issues except his past, his past was catching up to us.
My parents had found out I was lying to them and wouldn’t let me go out at all. My ticking bomb had come to an end. He broke up with me, and at the moment I was furious I wanted to smack him I wanted to unleash all hell on him. I had risked so much to be with him, my relationship with my parents, my relationship with my brother, the chance of going out with my friends… all for nothing. But that wasn’t true, me and Jess still talk to this day and when we want back to talk about it, I couldn’t hate him anymore. He hated seeing me treated the way I was by my family, he hated seeing me so upset. He said he rather set me free and be happy with someone else than see the torture my mother was putting me through. So just like that my relationship with Jess had to come to a stop like I had said in the beginning of it.
After Jess I think I had to stop doing lots of things for a while. I had introduced him to one of my favorite male singers Michael Buble and he had fallen in love with him. He was in Jazz band so he loved his music. I had to stop listening to music all together let alone pick up any instrument and play it. Depression would hit me hard, anxiety became a part of my life. Things I knew nothing about, so I just felt like I was going crazy. My mom would yell at me because I wasn’t going to college and telling me to get a job.
I spent months trying to heal, and after months I was ready to get hurt again. I started dating a very handsome boy who I had a crush on for couple of years. His name was,…Josue. He played guitar, listened to rock music, had a very chill vibe around him. Reason why? He was usually high. Which I didn’t judge him for, he could do what ever he wanted as long as it wasn’t harming anyone. After a month I had started my very first job and unfortunately Dean had started talking to me again. He had knocked up somebody and she had gotten an abortion and it had left him traumatized. I was trying to talk to him, help him cheer up and move on with his life.
Josue one day went through my phone when I wasn’t around and saw the messages, and started suspecting I had feelings for him. I told him all I do is sleep and go to work and that I was done with Dean. It had happened again and first he asked me to give him head, I had refused and then that’s when he broke up with me. He had played that lets just be friends card, I yelled at him to get out of my house and he did when he heard my brother running down. Just the way he dumped me was very douchy. His smoking had become a problem for me anyway he came over high in front of my parents and grandma and then minutes of him arriving he would leave. He was lying to his mom saying he was with me when in reality he was off smoking, at least that’s what he told me.
After that me and Dean began to date again, if you call it dating. We mostly only texted each other. He wouldn’t want to go out with me, I knew something was up I just couldn’t accept it. Dean worked at my local Jewel and so did Teresa my best friend from high school. She later told me that he was cheating on me with girls from work,… I didn’t need proof nor did I ask for it, because something in me just knew all along. When I confronted him about it he yelled at me saying if I wanted to believe rumors that was fine. I ended it and any conversation with him, that was the last time I ever spoke to him. I felt so gross for having to walk around in denial and not being real with myself, for wasting my time with him.
Jess later confirmed that he was cheating, he said he felt bad for not telling me sooner. I don’t know what happened to Dean, Jess and Teresa say hes still around the area, I hope I never see him. I think he was my first true love, the toxic one that makes you go crazy. Jess was my second the one that could never be, no matter what. My last and final love, the one that teaches you more about yourself than any other love. Simple, different, the one you never see coming. Well that was Logan, my fiance.