A joy that filled my heart and then drowned it some more, that’s what love felt like. Everything would suddenly slow down and stop just for the two of us, but time doesn’t really stop and the world keeps turning. Your story keeps changing because nothing lasts forever.
High school was going to be a chance to make things better for myself after everything that had happened in grade school, no bullies, no one I knew, a chance at friendship. Unfortunately every one at school had their clicks figured out already since most of the high school’s freshman class consisted of two elementary schools. Everyone had friends already but I wasn’t going to sit by myself for another week and become the weird kid again. So I mustard up some confidence and walked up to a table were two girls sat, a punk gothic looking chick and a more everyday basic one. Hands sweaty with nerves I ask them if I can sit with them and the basic girl made me regret it instantly, she looks at me up and down and says sure. After a while they include me in their conversation and the punk chick stops showing up to lunch leaving me alone with the basic girl who I later on adopt as my best friend. Her name was…Teresa, she still tells me to this day that she didn’t like me when I approached them but now we attend each others family events.
Things were looking up I had made my very first true friend and soon enough I would meet a boy who would catch my heart. He was out of the ordinary, he was a singer, a bit nerdy, and was color blind (I don’t know to what extent). Josh…was his name instantly flirted with me in my algebra class, I didn’t know how to react I never had a boy show interest in me. Soon enough he was walking me to my classes and blowing up my phone. When I was with John it was more of a school only relationship, we never saw each other out of school walls. But that didn’t stop him every night he would call my house phone and we would stay up talking for hours. He’d sing romantic songs to me over the phone and would call me the next day in the morning if he couldn’t call me the night before.
Things went well, I had learned to smile again, until the summer, Josh stopped replying to my texts and phone calls, completely. I had waited for a month until I had finally accepted he probably wanted nothing to do with me. Another month had passed and I got a message from him telling me he had gotten into something bad and that I would probably never see him again, to move on. I had tried calling after that message but he didn’t respond, I sent a message and still no response.
I had made another friend…Jenna she helped me from Josh’s wound and lifted me up over that summer. I had spent a lot of time with Jenna and her friend…Dean. They both kept my mind off of Josh, especially Dean. I soon fell for him, and had confessed my feelings for him at a Kmart. I remember walking through the isles with my brother when I sent the message. My heart was racing scared of what his response would be, and when I had read that he shared the same feelings for me I couldn’t stop smiling the whole ride home. We clicked instantly he was a sweet nerdy boy who played the saxophone very well.
School had started and it would be of course the very first day that I see Josh in the hallway. My heart sank and my stomach was in knots, what was he doing here? He asked if he could walk me to the next class so we could talk. He asked very formal questions, how was I doing, what class did I have next, and that he had missed me. I quickly told him my class was upstairs and that was as far as he could walk me. This corner of the hallway will haunt me for life because it showed me that karma did exist and that it was a bitch. At that split second Dean had turned the corner and saw me and only me, he rushed to me without warning hugging me hard spinning me turning me away from Josh. But at the corner of my eye I could see Josh look at Dean with such anger and jealousy and walked away sadly. After what he did to me over the summer I couldn’t help but smile, I had thought, he was stupid to think I’d run back to him after dumping me in a text.
After that I didn’t see much of Josh and later on as the years went by we had agreed to just be friendly. He had a girlfriend and I was happy with Dean, for some time. There was a downside to Dean he was a little behind school and was a bit lazy and failing classes. He was the smartest boy I had ever met just lacked the motivation to do work, and this would scare me for the future when we were supposed to graduate and go to college.
I was also getting a bit paranoid, Dean was very friendly with everyone, he had many friends. One of them being his best friend that was a girl, that’s all he told me about her that they were best friends. Later I found out that they actually dated, why hide it? I had confronted Dean about it and he had told me he didn’t feel like it mattered it was the long past and he had moved on. I didn’t want to be the jealous girlfriend but when you’re boyfriend is friends with a lot of girls you worry a little. There was a lot of reasons why my heart started drifting away from Dean but I think the main one was seeing him not love him self. He would come over and we’d just sleep on the couch, the boy had the energy of 70 year old. Don’t get me wrong I loved him for who he was on the inside, but there’s only so much I could do for him to make him believe he had a bright future.
Besides my issues with Dean, my only best friend Teresa had gone MIA, she had befriended one of my friends and they became really close since they share the same major. I was happy that my friends could get a long (especially because Teresa was hard to get a long with) but they had left me all alone. Now when I would try to put myself in the conversation I felt like such an outsider. I thought to myself high school was a time for me to grow I needed to keep moving. That’s when I found my little red head,…Emma. She was like my other half we liked most of the same stuff and we clicked, she was in love with music as much I was and boy did she had a voice. To this day she denies having a voice of an angel. We just got each other so easily, but Emma much like Dean was very popular, she had many friends. When she got with her boyfriend…George who was even more popular I rarely saw her. She had her own main group who I didn’t fit in with that well.
No Teresa, no Emma, I had no friends to turn to, I was alone again and didn’t fit in anywhere no matter where I went. Apart from the friendships and heart throbs things were beginning to go off the rail for me again making me fall into a heavy depression giving me anxiety that I did not comprehend. Things were shifting fast and I didn’t have any stable ground to hold on to.